


Disagreements

by jinkandtherebels



Category: Naruto
Genre: Drabbles, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 01:01:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 7,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1570169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinkandtherebels/pseuds/jinkandtherebels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shisui and Itachi didn't agree on everything. A collection of their random arguments and disagreements, from solemn to silly. (Series of very short oneshots. Some AU.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On becoming shinobi

**Author's Note:**

> This series ran from 2009-2012, so some of these chapters are pretty old, but I'm reposting them here anyway.
> 
> Ages: Seven and five.

“I don’t want to be a shinobi.”

Shisui blinked, unsure that he had heard right. He glanced at the five-year-old, perplexed. “What? C’mon, you don’t mean that.”

Itachi gave him a long, hard look, dark eyes grim. “I mean it, Shisui-nii. I don’t want to go to the Academy and learn to kill.”

Shisui scratched his head uncomfortably. Despite being only seven years old he was perceptive, and had sensed for some time that his cousin was unhappy. He hadn’t quite expected this, though. After all, to become a great ninja was what he wanted more than anything; it seemed vaguely strange that someone could be so opposed to the job.

“Itachi,” he said after a long silence. “Is this the pacifist thing again?”

Itachi didn’t meet his gaze, and that was all the answer Shisui needed. Since the year before, when the war had ended, Itachi had been vehemently opposed to violence of any kind. Youth be damned; the things he’d seen during that horrible wartime had embedded themselves in his mind, giving him a deep hatred for violence in general. This, obviously, presented a problem.

“We’ve talked about this,” Shisui sighed. “The name Uchiha is synonymous with ninja, and we’re of the Uchiha clan. Most of us don’t have the ability to choose our careers; graduating from the Academy is our duty. It’s our birthright. Personal feelings don’t matter.”

“I know,” Itachi replied quietly, staring at a spot on the ground. “I know, Shisui.”

Noting the lack of the “-nii” honorific, which usually indicated that his cousin was off in his own world, Shisui ran a hand back through his hair and tried to think of a way he could make this easier.

“I’m sorry you feel so strongly against it,” he said. “But you don’t have a choice, especially not with your big brain. You’ll probably pass your exams with no problem. Whereas I can’t wait to be a ninja, but-” he made a face “-I’m guessing my grades won’t be all that fantastic.”

Itachi looked up to meet Shisui’s eyes again, his face impassive as always but his voice more strained than any five-year-olds’ should be.

“I don’t want to be a killer.”

Shisui shook his head. “I’m sorry, Itachi,” he repeated. “But think about it this way.” He leaned forward, looking uncharacteristically serious. “If we don’t have ninja, then who will protect citizens of Konoha that can’t fight for themselves? It’s kill or be killed out there. You know that. By getting rid of enemies who would kill us, we eliminate threats to innocent people. I guess you have to think about whether it’s worth it or not.”

A crease appeared between Itachi’s eyebrows and he focused straight ahead, thinking hard. The two boys sat in silence afterward. Neither of them could know that that dilemma-kill the few for the many, or take your chances by avoiding death altogether-would stay with and influence Itachi for a long time.


	2. On music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Twelve and ten.

“Hey, Itachi. C’mere for a sec.”

Itachi obeyed and sat down beside his cousin; his gaze was immediately drawn to the rectangular object in Shisui’s hand. “You got it,” he observed.

“Finally,” Shisui confirmed happily. “I’ve had this thing glued to my ear all day. This one song is really good-the band’s from Kiri, so I can’t understand a word they’re saying, but-”

“Then why listen to it?” Itachi inquired.

Shisui waved him off. “If the beat’s good, it’s good. Here, listen.”

With some apprehension, the Uchiha prodigy stuck the little earplugs awkwardly into his ears. Shisui hit a button, and all at once an out-of-control sound blasted into Itachi’s head, undoubtedly shattering his eardrums. He couldn’t rip the earplugs out fast enough.

“That,” he gasped, “is _not_ music.”

“What?!” Shisui exclaimed, affronted. “Are you kidding me? They’re the band of the century!”

“They are merely making copious amounts of ungodly noise,” Itachi responded, irritated by his temporary deafness. “I could do the same with a spoon and a few of Mother’s pots and pans.”

Shisui pouted. “I suppose you think classical music qualifies as exciting, you stiff,” he shot back.

“I do like classical, but that’s beside the point.”

“It’s boring!”

“Music does not have to be exciting! We are ninja; we have what children call adventures every day! I don’t need more excitement in my life, thank you very much.”

“Music is like..like..” Shisui struggled for the appropriate term. “It’s like food for our ears! Think about it this way. You like the taste of plain bread, whereas I can appreciate bread filled with nuts and flavors!”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” observed an exasperated Itachi. “What does food have to do with anything?”

“Have you no concept of understanding metaphors?” Shisui groaned. “You _are_ hopeless.”

“Have you no concept of taking anything seriously?” Itachi retorted.

“If you just gave that kind of music a chance-”

“I have better things to do with my limited free time.”

“You might like it..”

“I don’t _want_ to like it!”

And so it went.


	3. On little siblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Fourteen and twelve.

“What do you think of your sister?”

Shisui cocked his head to the side, confused. “What kind of a question is that?”

“Just answer, please.”

Shisui raised an eyebrow at his younger cousin. “I love her,” he replied simply. “She’s..Well, she’s my little sister, Itachi. I dunno what you want me to say.”

“No, that’s enough,” Itachi said.

“Alright. Where did that come from?”

Itachi shrugged. “Someone saw me with Sasuke yesterday and said that we were, quote, ‘unusually close’. I started to wonder if what we had was really so unique.”

The older boy scratched his head. “Well, I know a lot of people don’t get along with their siblings. And my sister does do things that irk me-take last week, for example. I was trying to get through a crapload of paperwork that my diabolical cell leader had assigned me, and my sister comes in and just won’t quit bugging me, asking me to play with her. I couldn’t get a thing done.”

“Sasuke doesn’t ask me to play, exactly,” Itachi mused. “But he often comes to me asking for help with training. I think he wants the attention at this point, even if it’s not necessarily good attention.”

“Doesn’t it just drive you crazy when little siblings do that?” Shisui lamented. “Refusing to leave you alone, pestering you until you’re ready to toss yourself off a cliff?”

Itachi looked slightly surprised. “Not at all,” he responded. “I know that Sasuke just wants to have some time with me, not to sound egotistical.”

“I understand that, but can’t they understand sometimes that we want our time to be our own? I don’t usually mind hanging out with my sister, but sometimes her wanting to play really gets old.”

“I sort of take it as a compliment when my brother wants to spend time with me,” Itachi mused. “It’s not that I mind; I just don’t tend to have the time.”

“A compliment..? Not with my kid sister.” Shisui shook his head. “She just wants to force someone to play house with her or something, and Mom and Dad have learned to tell when she’s in that mood and hide. I haven’t learned that trick yet.”

“I don’t understand…”

Shisui blinked, incredulous. “And our parents call _you_ the genius,” he sighed. “I think we just have different points of view here. You like spending time with Sasuke whenever at all possible..it’s kind of unusual, actually. Whereas I, being _normal_ -” he shoved his cousin playfully “-like to spend a healthy amount of time apart from my sister.”

Itachi shrugged. “I suppose I shouldn’t give myself a headache trying to understand you.”

Shisui smirked. “I’m the complicated one now? Look at the pot calling the kettle black..”

“Now you’re comparing me to a pot. This proves my point.”

“…”


	4. On girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Seventeen and fifteen.

“What about that one?” Shisui grinned slyly. “You can’t possibly say no to-”

“Yes, I can,” the younger teen stated flatly.

“What! Are your eyes knotholes?!”

Itachi sighed. “Shisui, why did you drag me out here?”

“I’ve dragged you out here because you haven’t had a date in..well, ever,” Shisui replied. “Now I understand you’re completely clueless in all romantic matters, so I’m here to help you out. And the first step of the process is identifying your preference-blonde, or brunette? It’s an age-old debate.”

“… _That’s_ why I’m sitting here instead of preparing for tomorrow’s mission? Shisui, you are my cousin and I care for you, but right now I think I may just have to kill you.”

“C’mon, man, humor me!” Shisui exclaimed. “Look.” He pointed. “There’s a cute one. What do you think about-”

“If you ask me that question one more time, I will leave you tied to a tree in the Forest of Death,” Itachi seethed irritably.

“Jeez, no need to get nasty..Okay, since you’re clearly not ready for visual confirmation, let’s try some basic questions instead.” Shisui cleared his throat. “What is a trait your ideal girlfriend would have?”

“I don’t want a girlfriend,” Itachi responded testily.

Shisui rolled his eyes. “For the sake of argument let’s say you do,” he tried. “So, name a trait.”

Frowning, Itachi looked at the ground and thought about it for a minute. The he lifted his head and said, “Quiet.”

“..Quiet.” Shisui blinked.  “Alright, that works..what else?”

“..Reserved, I suppose.”

“That’s almost the same as quiet..”

“No, they’re very different things.”

Shisui sighed. “Whatever, fine. Okay. How about a girl who’s funny and cheerful? Someone who you can enjoy yourself with?”

“I enjoy myself with you,” Itachi said tightly. “I enjoy myself with Sasuke. I don’t see why I need a female with that quality.”

“Itachi!” Shisui yelped, exasperated. “You have to have _fun_ with your girlfriend, otherwise what’s the point?”

“And why is that?” Itachi shot back, already fed up with the increasingly ridiculous conversation. “What’s wrong with having a girlfriend who is content simply to stand by you?”

“That’s all well and good, but if you never _talk_ -”

“Then there’s no possibility that we’ll hurt each other, is there?”

“That’s playing it safe!”

“What is _wrong_ with safe?!”

“Relationships _aren’t_ safe, that’s kind of the point!”

“And this is exactly why I don’t want one!” Itachi snapped, surprised by his own loss of temper over something so trivial.

Shisui let out a frustrated sigh. “This is pointless,” he grumbled. “I don’t know why I brought you out here in the first place…you’re a real stick-in-the-mud, you know that?”

The familiar and typically friendly insult made Itachi’s cheeks redden with guilt. After a few seconds he sighed and muttered, “Brunette.”

Shisui perked up. “Seriously?”

“I won’t say it again.”

“Fair enough.” Shisui grinned. “Hey, wait..” His face lit up and the grin broadened. “Quiet, reserved, loyal, brunette…”

He shot his younger cousin a gleefully malicious look. “So you’re saying that your ideal girl is…you?”

Itachi scowled.


	5. On pressure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Twelve and ten.

Shisui took one look at his friend and knew something was wrong.

Itachi looked listless, spaced-out and exhausted. He was staring off into the distance, eyes unfocused and glossed.

“Itachi?” Shisui ventured. The younger boy straightened with a start.

“I’m sorry, Shisui-nii,” he apologized. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Shisui focused on his cousin, concerned. “Are you alright?”

“Of course.”

It was an obvious lie. The older of the two frowned.

“Don’t give me that, Itachi. What’s wrong? Has your dad been putting you through those advanced training drills again?”

The prodigy didn’t reply, and that in itself was an answer. Shisui’s frown morphed into a full-blown scowl. For a while Fugaku, in yet another attempt to squeeze every iota of talent from his elder son, had been putting Itachi through long and difficult training programs in addition to the boy’s regular training and missions. This had gone on for weeks until an upset Mikoto put her foot down and forbade her husband from continuing the extremely taxing sessions. Shisui had figured it would end there. But apparently, it hadn’t.

“This is nuts,” he snapped. “You’re a kid, for god’s sake! He shouldn’t be working you like this!”

“Pressure is the only way to improve.” The intentionally flippant-sounding comment would have been a lot more convincing if the boy hadn’t ended it with a yawn.

“You can only push your body so far,” Shisui said angrily. “Sooner or later you’re gonna break down from all this supplemental training-which you don’t need anyway-and then what use will you be to anyone?”

“I need all the strength I can acquire if I want to keep the village safe.”

“Being shoved over the limit like this isn’t helpful! It’s torture!”

Itachi sighed. “We don’t get pushed, we don’t get stronger,” he said quietly.

“But there’s a limit to how far you can go,” Shisui responded, his tone exasperated. “Sooner or later you hit the ceiling, and no amount of your dad’s yelling will change that.”

“My father is making me as powerful as I need to be,” said Itachi, voice worn. “Pressure like this makes for great shinobi; look at the teachings of the Sand and how great their ninja become.”

“But Konoha still has the best ninja in the known world, and it’s because we know when we’ve reached high enough. Our teachers are gentle about it; they don’t make us strive to be better than we are. Besides, I think you learn more when someone’s patient with you than you do when someone’s shouting in your ear.”

Silence followed. Shisui spoke again when it became clear his cousin wasn’t going to.

“Talk to Fugaku, or even Aunt Mikoto if you think it’ll help. If you don’t, then I promise you, I will.” His eyes blazed.

“…This is what I do, Shisui-nii,” Itachi murmured. “This is how I become the best shinobi I can. This is how I train and improve. Don’t force me to change it just because you don’t think the same way.”

“But-but you _have_ to hate it! Look at you, you’re sleeping awake!”

The younger boy shrugged, no longer meeting his friend’s gaze. “It’s a small price to pay,” he stated. “If I can save more lives and keep more peace by learning this way, then…it’s more than worth it.”

The conviction in those words-coming from the mouth of a _child_ ; it bordered on sick-ticked Shisui off. With an angry mutter of “Do whatever you want”, he stormed off.


	6. On black and white

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Your call.

“Black or white? And before you shoot me down with some sarcastic and witty response, yes, I know it’s a stupid question that isn’t worth your time, you could be training, blah, blah, blah. Well?”

“Since I know I’ll get no peace until I answer, I will humor you. Black.”

“I guessed as much. I swear, you’re a closet Goth. You probably wear crazy amounts of black eyeliner when nobody’s around. You probably have this secret but burning desire to go out in fishnets.”

“…I won’t even try to respond to that. And why must I justify my every preference to you?”

“Because it’s fun to tell the great Uchiha Itachi he’s wrong?”

“…”

“I like white, myself.”

“Shocking.”

“You and your sarcasm. Alright then, o right-brained one, why is black so great?”

“Why are we even having this conversation?”

“Because I want to. Deal with it and answer the question.”

“Sometimes I question your true age. Black is preferable to white because it doesn’t blind you with light. Also, white is too fragile. It’s too pure. The slightest drop of anything will stain it and ruin it forever; whereas black, in contrast, is already dark and therefore much more stain-resistant. Black dirties itself to avoid the complete ruin that white will suffer if someone spills or bleeds on it. Black is a survivor. There.”

“…I really can’t decide if that was some kind of profound speech or if it was just bizarre drabble that made absolutely no sense.”

“I am having a difficult time bringing myself to care.”

“Ouch. Well, I like white because it’s bright and hopeful. It lightens everything up. And it makes people smile, depending on the situation. You never see people smiling at black. Black is a mourning color.”

“Well, that’s what shinobi do. They mourn.”

“Hey, I didn’t interrupt you.”

“Fair enough.”

“Thank you. Uh..actually, I’m finished. There. That was my attempt at a profound and nonsensical speech. How’d I do?”

“Very well in the nonsensical department.”

“Like you’re one to talk.”

“Besides which, arguments like black versus white are utterly pointless. They are completely a matter of opinion, neither side can prove their reasons with facts; therefore, it makes for very flimsy debate material.”

“..You have this impeccable ability to leech the fun out of anything you choose, you know that?”

“We were having fun?”

“…You cheeky little jerk…”

“It was merely an observation.”


	7. On suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for talk of suicide.
> 
> Ages: Twelve and fourteen

“Isuzu-san died yesterday.”

Itachi spoke the words casually. In fact, his tone was directly at odds with the words spoken. This caught Shisui’s notice.

He didn’t know much about Isuzu. Itachi had mentioned her once or twice, but all Shisui really knew was that she was a fellow member of ANBU. He hadn’t thought Itachi had known her very well.

“I’m sorry,” he offered.

Itachi shook his head. “We were not friends. We were barely acquaintances. The reason I brought it up is because…the _way_ she died…it was unusual.”

The older boy shook his head, perplexed. “I don’t know what you mean. How did she die?”

“Suicide.”

“…Ah.” Offing one’s self wasn’t that strange among regular shinobi-not that it was a common occurrence; besides, it almost never happened in any rank above Chunin-but it was almost unheard of among the elite Black Ops. ANBU, among many other things, were expected to pulverize their emotions until there was nothing left of them. It was painful, it was cruel, and it was absolutely necessary. It was what _made_ them ANBU.

That being the case, you didn’t hear about members killing themselves. Ever.

“I overheard several of my superiors discussing things afterward,” Itachi continued, “and suffice it to say they were..unimpressed. They seemed to think suicide was something incredibly shameful.”

“Well…Yeah, that’s generally the accepted consensus,” Shisui noted. “Suicide’s always been regarded as an escape, you know? A kind of cheat code out of life. As shinobi, we’re supposed to be strong enough to resist the temptation and keep fighting, no matter what our feelings are.”

“True,” Itachi granted. “Still, I can’t help but think by taking themselves out of commission, those shinobi are doing us something of a favor. Perhaps killing yourself is taking things too far, but think about it. If you are emotionally compromised and incapable of completing missions without emotion getting in the way, isn’t it better for everyone to remove yourself from the ninja equation?”

“That’s cold,” Shisui remarked.

Itachi’s expression didn’t change. “I am just thinking out loud. I’m not making an active effort to sound ‘cold’.”

“I know. But you’ve got to think about how this stuff’ll sound before you spit it out; otherwise someone will punch you, Uchiha prodigy or no.”

Shisui stretched his arms. “Man…I swear, if I died on a mission or something, the _last_ way I’d want to be remembered would be as the guy who killed himself because he couldn’t hack life. I’d rather be forgotten completely.”

A brief spasm of pain crossed Itachi’s face.

It was gone before his cousin turned his way again.


	8. On metaphors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Eleven and nine.

“Shisui-nii?”

Shisui glanced up from the homework he’d been reading over, ready to deliver a speech on how hypocritical his younger cousin could be sometimes (Itachi had made it abundantly clear before picking up his book that he didn’t want to be interrupted). But the smaller boy apparently foresaw this and hurried on.

“I’ve been reading this novel to ‘enhance my knowledge of foreign literature’,” he said, somehow making the air quotes appear using nothing but his tone of voice, “and I came across a line that I don’t…fully understand.”

Shisui briefly considered making an appointment with a medical ninja, as his hearing was so obviously going. But the perplexed look was still present on Itachi’s face after a few seconds, so he concluded that he’d actually heard correctly: the great Uchiha Itachi didn’t understand something. This was news worthy of headlines.

Eager to find out what had stumped the clan prodigy, Shisui asked him to point out the offending line. Itachi did so and then handed his cousin the hardcover.

Eyes scanning the page out of habit before focusing on any one spot, Shisui wrinkled his nose. Ugh. It was one of those infinitely sappy, old-fashioned romance novels where the female lead was wimpy enough to make even the most tolerant kunoichi start cracking her knuckles, the male lead spat out cheesy lines every other paragraph, and everybody died in the end. It was undoubtedly a classic in some other country, although he couldn’t figure out why for the life of him.

He reached the line that had confused his friend and read it through mentally: ‘ _Moon-bright eyes shone with admiration as she clasped lily hands together before her face.’_

That was it. While chintzy and disgustingly over-poetic enough to make him gag, Shisui couldn’t see anything about the line that wasn’t understandable.

“Are you sure you gave me the right line?” he asked. “The one with the-”

“‘Moon-bright eyes and lily hands’?” Itachi interrupted. “Yes. That’s the one.”

Filing away the memory of Itachi speaking in cheesy metaphors so that he could look back on it every day for the rest of his life, Shisui spoke again. “I don’t get it. What’s so confusing?”

Itachi’s eyebrows knitted together. “You were able to make sense of it?”

Shisui couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You weren’t? _You_?”

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Itachi replied, sounding slightly affronted. “How can anything be ‘moon-bright’ when the moon doesn’t create its own light? Unless that is just the author’s way of saying the woman’s eyes didn’t shine at all?”

“It’s a _metaphor_ ,” Shisui emphasized. “It’s not _supposed_ to be completely precise.”

“‘Completely’ has nothing to do with it. That statement is nowhere near precise. And the other bit isn’t any better-‘lily hands’? Was it the author’s intent to give me the picture of a woman with flowers growing where her hands are supposed to be? That doesn’t seem to flow with the feel of the rest of the novel.”

“The author’s making a comparison!” Shisui exclaimed. “He’s saying her hands are pale and soft.”

“I read nothing of the kind.”

“That’s what the ‘lily’ thing was all about!” Shisui responded, practically tearing up from pure frustration. “He’s saying her hands are _like_ a lily.”

“Lily flowers are often color other than white,” Itachi pressed pedantically. “They can be orange, pink, red-”

“You’re not supposed to go into these kinds of books with the intent of overanalyzing every little thing! If authors kept in mind little nitpicky details like those, we wouldn’t have any metaphors at all!”

“And language would be all the better for it,” the younger boy replied irritably. “Cluttering up novels with words and phrases that make no sense whatsoever is-”

“What makes the language interesting and colorful,” Shisui said, taking his turn to interrupt.

“‘ _Colorful_ ’? Shisui-nii, they’ve infected you too.”

“Nobody’s _infected_ me, you pretentious little-”

The gossip that the two most promising children of the great Uchiha clan had argued for hours about lilies and poeticism eventually made it back to Itachi’s tutor, who mentally groaned and started looking for another job-he would almost certainly be getting fired for this.


	9. On Icha Icha Paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Rena for the prompt for this chapter. :)
> 
> Ages: Seventeen and fifteen.

It wasn’t the book itself that worried him, naturally. Shisui reading a book wasn’t exactly an abnormal occurrence, and even the violently orange cover didn’t send up any little red flags in the prodigy’s mind.

As he drew closer to his friend, however, the illustration on the front of the book became clearer and Itachi found himself raising an eyebrow. Even closer, the title came into focus, and the incriminating words ‘Icha Icha Paradise’ became suddenly and horrifyingly legible.

His instinct for self-preservation immediately kicked in and screeched at him to back away slowly and quietly, and pray Shisui didn’t catch him.

This, of course, failed miserably (seeing as by that point Itachi was about five inches from his cousin and even an immersed reader isn’t _that_ blind).

“Hey, Itachi,” Shisui greeted him with his trademark grin. “How’s life?”

It had been far, far better before he’d caught his older brother figure reading what by all accounts appeared to be a strictly M-rated book, but Itachi didn’t say this. He opted for a simple nod instead, hoping against hope that Shisui would go back to reading whatever It was and let him escape.

Shisui being Shisui, along with the fact that Itachi’s luck was just that bad, did the exact opposite. He held up the book and asked innocently if his cousin had ever heard of it before.

“Never.” _And most likely for a very good reason._

“I’ve been hearing about it for a while and decided to check it out,” Shisui said. “It’s actually not bad.”

Not bad? Itachi blinked a few times. Rapidly.

“And,” the older boy continued, “it’s illustrated.”

Was the violent twitch in his left eye a product of his imagination? Itachi surreptitiously checked. No, no, very real.

“Wanna see?”

 Itachi noticed that Shisui’s smile had turned decidedly evil.

“No, thank you,” he forced out.

“It’s a good story,” Shisui persisted, which might have been more convincing had his currently growing resemblance to the Cheshire Cat not been so obvious.

“Somehow I doubt that,” Itachi couldn’t stop himself saying, eyeing the book’s fluorescent cover with distaste.

Instead of squawking in indignation and leaping to the defense of his book as he usually would, Shisui remained smiling. “Why’s that?”

Flustered, Itachi tried to find a way of putting it delicately. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if Shisui had taken one too many blows to the skull-did he honestly have to _ask_?

“Because I am reasonably sure that what you are reading constitutes as…” Itachi stumbled for a word. “Well…” Any word. “Porn.” Any word _except_ that one.

Wait, had it actually come out of his mouth?

Judging by the surprised crow of laughter that Shisui elicited a moment later, it seemed that the answer was yes.

The words _‘Why me’_ might have come to the mind of a lesser man.

“And that automatically makes it a bad story?” Shisui challenged.

“Books like those do not tend to have ‘stories’. Such is the point, as far as I am aware.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Icha Icha Paradise.”

Itachi mentally winced, wishing with all his being that his friend had not just uttered those words in the middle of the compound of the most prestigious shinobi clan in Konoha. “I have…heard about it,” he forced out. “About its notoriety, that is.”

Shrugging off the last comment, Shisui pressed on. “Then you should know that what sets it apart from your everyday M-rated novel is the fact that yes, it _does_ have storylines. Awesome storylines, actually. That’s why it’s sold so many copies. Best of both worlds and all that.”

Itachi tried very hard not to turn green at the very thought.

“I’m telling you,” Shisui continued, “you’d change your mind if-”

“I am terminating this conversation on the grounds that I am underage and you are most likely causing me unnecessary mental trauma.”

“You’ve got to be corrupted sometime,” Shisui informed him matter-of-factly. “Somehow I doubt your dad’s going to do it, so as best friend the job falls to me.” And he smiled serenely.

Itachi would later testify that he did not _run_ from Shisui at that point. He’d merely recalled papers that were soon due and decided to complete them in an especially timely manner.


	10. On the Uchiha coup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Thirteen and fifteen.

“This is not the way to handle things.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The coup. It is not the way to handle this situation.”

“Keep your voice _down_ , Itachi!”

“I _am_ keeping my voice down, not to mention we are in a secure and secluded location. You are paranoid.”

“Can you blame me?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“And what the hell is that supposed to mean? ‘Not the way to handle the situation’-there _is_ no other way to handle it at this point.”

“Are you sure of that? Negotiations have been proceeding between Uchiha and Konoha for months. If we give diplomats some more time-”

“They’ve had plenty of time, Itachi. Talking isn’t going to fix this.”

“You can not know that.”

“What is _wrong_ with you lately? Anyone would think you didn’t want Uchiha to break free. Konoha’s oppressed us for too long-they’ll get what’s coming to them.”

“And the innocents killed in the struggle? The millions killed in the aftermath? The fall of this village will lead to another world war, Shisui. You know that I am right.”

“You’re wrong.”

“You are naïve if you believe that the clan can go through with this without one civilian casualty.”

“You think I don’t know that? Look, I know we can’t get through this without people getting hurt. I don’t want that on my conscious any more than you do, but things are getting desperate. At this point nobody’d be surprised if the Hokage sent ANBU to kill us all in our sleep. Would that honestly shock you?”

“…”

“..Itachi?”

“…No, it would not.”

“See? That’s exactly why we need to finish this, and finish it _now_ , on our terms. Before they confiscate our weapons or some shit like that. Don’t you want to end things? Aren’t you sick of all the secrecy and the hatred?”

“That ‘hatred’ will only increase if you do this.”

“If _I_ do this? The clan’s agreed, there’s no other option.”

“No other option that would allow Uchiha to retain its pride, you mean.”

“Knock it off, Itachi. That’s not what this is about.”

“I disagree.”

“Of course you do. It’s like you’re determined to think the worst about Uchiha-we’re your _family_ , in case you’ve forgotten, but I’m starting to think you don’t even care about the clan!”

“……”

“Damn it…I’m sorry, Itachi, okay? I didn’t mean that.”

“..There is nothing to apologize for, Shisui.”

“Well, either way, this is all going to be over soon.”

“Yes. It is.”


	11. On food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you LonelyAura for prompting this chapter!
> 
> Ages: Sixteen and fourteen.

“So what are you getting?”

Itachi glanced up at the sign that served as Ichiraku’s menu. “…Miso.”

“ _Miso_?” Sometimes, Shisui mused, Itachi really did make him want to cry. “We’re at the best ramen stand in all of Konoha, famous for the brilliancy of their noodles, and you’re getting _miso_? Heck, Itachi, if I knew your food tastes were this boring we could’ve just stayed at home…”

The younger boy ignored the slight with an ease gained through years of practice. “I am not partial to ramen.”

“Well, I’m not partial to that sticky crap you love eating so much, and yet I still tried a taste when you said how good it was.”

“I happen to like natto, thank you. And just because you are easy to convince does not mean I am.”

Shisui bristled. “Fine. Suit your miserably stick-in-the-muddish self. Hey, Teuchi!” He waved over at the stand owner. “One bowl of ramen, extra-large, double pork, _please_!” Then, as an afterthought, “And a bowl of miso for my… _cousin_ here.” He sighed as Mr. Teuchi nodded. “As much as it pains me now to admit that we’re related…”

“I apologize for my continually embarrassing existence,” Itachi deadpanned.

“Ah, whatever. Once I get my extra-large double pork…” Shisui grinned. “You’ll be dying to try it. Just wait.”

“You’re salivating.”

“Oh, give me a break. Only a vegetarian could possibly withstand the glory that is Ichiraku ramen with pork.”

Itachi was silent.

Shisui paled.

“You have _got_ to be kidding me!”

“What,” Itachi asked, exasperated, “ _now_?”

“You’re a vegetarian!” Shisui moaned. “You eat _grass_!”

“…And you, it seems, have been inhaling paint fumes again.”

Shisui was apparently too distraught to even register the jab. “How?” he demanded, aghast. “How can you go through life without the glory that is meat? How long has this travesty been going _on_?”

“You are a melodramatic drama queen,” Itachi said coolly. “I have been a vegetarian for quite some time. I already kill for a living; there is no point in adding to that by eating animals as well.”

“But-but-” Shisui was stammering. _Uchiha Shisui_. Was _stammering_. Itachi was evidently utilizing his most unique ability-the ability to completely melt his friend’s brain.

“It’s not like you’re any better!” Shisui finally managed. “You’re just killing plants instead of animals! In fact, you’re worse, because _plants can’t even scream_.”

“…Shisui…?”

“…Yeah, okay, that argument failed. I need food to operate properly, you know that.”

“Then perhaps we should agree to disagree.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Shisui paused, then grinned again. “At least until the food comes. You will try this stuff whether you like it or not, and you will _so_ like it-”

“I refuse to eat one bite of your artery-clogging noodles.”

“I’ll sit on you until you comply.”

“…I apologize. I didn’t realize you have been hit with a jutsu that causes you to revert to the age of five.”

“…I will do it, you know.”

“…”


	12. On explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Whatever works for you.

“Inabi-san mentioned today that the concept of explanations is fundamentally flawed.”

Itachi spoke as if he were merely commenting on the weather. Shisui inwardly berated himself for not teaching the kid at a younger age which topics were appropriate for casual conversation and which would send potential company running for the hills.

As there was nothing to be done about it now, he did his duty as Official Best Friend and went along. “Uh-huh. And what exotic new bug does ‘Nabi have up his ass today?”

Itachi eyed him reproachfully but otherwise ignored the disrespect towards their older cousin. “His reasoning is that there are certain things that simply cannot be explained.”

“Didn’t know he was into philosophy now. What’ll it be next? Yoga chants?”

“Shisui,” Itachi sighed.

“Okay, fine, I’ll bite. Like what?”

“Can you, for example, come up with a way to explain the concept of the word ‘and’ to someone who has never heard it before?”

Shisui considered. His brain quickly began to hurt. “Uh…the word that connects two other words?” he suggested lamely.

“Another example he used was direction,” Itachi continued, having apparently deemed Shisui’s response unworthy of oxygen use. “How to explain the concepts of left or right to someone in the same scenario.”

“Y’mean that same _impossible_ scenario?” Shisui asked dryly. “Besides, the directional one is easy.”

Itachi raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

“Have the person hold out both hands. Take out a kunai and stab them in their right hand.” Shisui made an appropriately violent downward stabbing motion to demonstrate. “Then tell them that the hand that doesn’t hurt is ‘left’, and the one that hurts like a son of a gun is ‘right’.” He grinned, triumphant. “Simple.”

The younger of the two exhaled. Slowly.

“Everything can be explained,” Shisui continued confidently. “Everything. Maybe we’re just not smart enough to have gotten to the point where we’re capable of doing it, is all.”

“That was impressively fortune cookie-esque,” Itachi pointed out. “Even for you.”

“Hey, I can wax poetic if I need to.”

“…I don’t think that’s the same thing. Besides which, I have yet to hear you come up with a way to explain ‘and’.”

Shisui shrugged. “Like I said…not smart enough yet. Gimme another hundred years or so to evolve to that point and I’ll give you an answer.”

Itachi smirked, just a little. “I will hold you to that.”


	13. On holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Nine and seven.

“I don’t like holidays,” seven-year-old Itachi informed his cousin mournfully.

Shisui made a face. Every time he thought it was impossible for his baby cousin could get any more bizarre, Itachi went ahead and proved him wrong. “Why’s that?” he asked.

“They’re…stuffy. And I never get any sleep,” was the slightly peevish reply.

He couldn’t exactly argue with the stuffy part, but most kids would be happy to stay up late. Shisui himself certainly looked forward to it. Then again, Itachi hardly had much in common with “most kids”.

“That’s it? _That’s_ your reasoning for hating holidays? You might get bags under your eyes? A little makeup will cover that up fine,” Shisui informed the younger boy matter-of-factly. Itachi stared at him in a manner that suggested _he_ was the strange one.

“What?” Shisui said defensively. “So I stayed out later than I was supposed to a few nights, sue me for learning a few tricks! Anyway, that can’t be it. Holidays are awesome—parties, snacks, goofing around…there’s gotta be something else bugging you. Even you aren’t this weird for no reason.”

This statement was followed by an uncharacteristic shuffling of feet and a mumble. Shisui leaned forward, interest piqued.

“What is it?”

The glare Itachi shot him was probably meant to be threatening. As it was, the blush darkening his cheeks made it look positively adorable. Shisui swallowed a snicker.

“You need to promise not to laugh, Shisui-nii,” Itachi told him in the sternest tone a seven-year-old could muster.

“I promise,” Shisui replied solemnly.

Itachi sighed. “Mother is making me wear this…costume…for the festival coming up.”

Shisui wasn’t getting it. All of the kids dressed up for this particular festival; his own mother had worked hard to make him one that resembled a red dragon. Many of the older branches of the family—including Itachi’s—had special outfits that had been passed down through generations.

Sure enough: “She says it’s been in the family since forever. She says she’s always been waiting for when I was old enough to wear it, and apparently I’ll be ‘too old’ for it next year. I told her Sasuke should wear it, but-”

“Itachi,” Shisui interrupted. “ _What is the big deal?_ ”

Itachi gave him a very haunted look. “She says it’s been worn by every child in the family since Uchiha Mirabi.”

Shisui racked his brains. “But wasn’t Mirabi a-”

“Itachi?”

Itachi went rigid as his mother’s voice came from behind.

“Itachi, you still need to try on your costume,” she said ruefully. Shisui looked up to smile at his favorite aunt.

And then he saw the little kimono in her hands. Pink, trimmed with red ribbons and gold ornaments, it was a beautiful antique and an envious costume for the festival.

It was also, quite clearly, intended for a girl.

“Sorry, ‘tachi,” he managed. “I think I’m gonna end up breaking my promise.”

Itachi’s eyes were shooting kunai at high speed in his direction. Shisui was too busy fighting down laughter to notice.

“Hello, Shisui. Come on, Itachi,” Mikoto said cheerfully. “We can make sure everything fits and then decide what to do with your hair; your grandmother wants to help with that bit. I’ll let you say goodbye.”

Shisui waited until she was a good distance away before laughing until tears poured down his cheeks. Itachi just stood there and scowled at him.

“I believe I hate holidays,” he said mulishly.

“Really?” Shisui retorted with a wicked grin. “I think I love them.”


	14. On cats and dogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again Rena for the prompt!
> 
> Ages: Sixteen and fourteen.

“Cats or dogs?”

“Shisui, what are you…is that a women’s health magazine?”

“Can it, short stuff; this is for my sister, not me.”

“And yet you’re reading it.”

“Because I’m _bored_. Help a guy out. Cats or dogs?”

“Cats, of course.”

“‘Of course’? What, are you allergic to dogs or something?”

“I-”

“You like those cat pictures, don’t you? The so-called funny ones with the purposely bad spelling?”

“I am not even going to try to understand what you’re talking about. Cats have been friends to our clan for centuries. There is nothing to think about.”

“…Am I being punished? I’m being punished for something. There is no other explanation for my best friend choosing his favorite freakin’ animal based on _clan loyalty_.”

“Cats are not only our allies. They also have many of our best qualities.”

“Oh, here we go…”

“They are some of the most skilled hunters in the animal world, as well as the most graceful. They are intelligent and good at capturing their prey. They are able to work alone while still working well within a group. Do you see what I am getting at?”

“You don’t have to sound so _smug_ about it. Cheeky little brat.”

“I am one inch shorter than you, Shisui.”

“…Still.”

“One. Solitary. Inch.”

“You know what, shut up. Dogs are awesome. Ever heard of man’s best friend?”

“Turns of phrase do not constitute evidence.”

“Oh, for—dogs greet you when you come home. Cats sit around and wait for you to feed them. Dogs also make one hell of a good attack team; look at the Inuzukas, or Kakashi’s dogs. You really think they’d look half as intimidating if they brought a bunch of kitties along?”

“Looks can be deceiving.”

“Fine. How’s this—dogs are always happy to see you, and cats look like they’re always one missed meal away from ripping out your jugular.”

“That is my point—cats make for better warriors.”

“Yeah, well, dogs make for better friends. _And_ I still think a dog could take a cat on and win.”

“Cats are Uchiha. They represent us. That is why I prefer them. And what was the point of this question in the first place?”

“Some personality thing—basically, looks like I’m the fun one and you’re not. Real shocker there. And ‘represent Uchiha’, my ass. Cats are _girly_ -lookin’.”

“…Shisui, why are you staring at me?”

“…Okay, maybe they do represent us alright. _Some_ of us, anyway—Itachi, what are you doing with that shurik-”


	15. On disagreements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Fifteen and thirteen.

“You know,” Itachi muttered, tongue poking out between his teeth as he dabbed disinfectant on Shisui’s leg, “sometimes I think the world would be better off if we were all in agreement about everything. I should speak to the medical nin to see if a drug to that effect would be possible.”

Shisui had long since given up trying to wave his friend off, opting instead to lie back and grit his teeth when Itachi’s care became painful. The remark, however, made him straighten up.

“You really think we’d be better off if no one disagreed about anything?” he asked, raising an eyebrow in a frighteningly Itachi-ish manner. “Seriously? Not a big fan of free will, huh?”

“Not a ‘big fan’ of petty fights and wars,” Itachi retorted, pouring more alcohol onto Shisui’s raw skin to make his point. The older boy hissed.

“ _Damn_.”

“This is what happens when you pick fights with Chunin thrice your size.”

“Hey, Akamichi was asking for it.”

“I’m sure,” Itachi replied flatly.

There was silence for a minute while Shisui pondered the issue.

“Y’know, if we didn’t have disagreements we wouldn’t have much to talk about.”

“True. We would therefore have nothing to fight about.”

“Opposing points of view leads to growth,” Shisui pointed out. “Progress, even. Get rid of that and we’d all be living a pretty boring life.”

“I think boring is better than the alternative sometimes,” Itachi said quietly, wrapping a bandage gently around Shisui’s leg.

Shisui considered. “So your attitude is essentially ‘can’t we all just get along?’”

“More or less.”

“That’s pretty naïve, man. Especially in our line of work.”

The corner of Itachi’s mouth quirked up. “I know.”

“But it’s good to hope, I guess,” Shisui sighed, scratching lightly at his bandage. Itachi frowned and batted his hand away.

“Leave it be. It needs time to heal.”

“Whatever you say, Mother.”

“Your mother is much more terrifying than I could ever hope to be,” Itachi said dryly.

Shisui grinned. “So we’ve finally taught you the essence of ‘your mom’ jokes.”

“…I wasn’t aware I was being funny.”


	16. On family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages: Eight and six.

“Shisui-nii?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think family bonds end with blood?”

“…You know how I keep telling you that you talk like a robot?”

“Yes.”

“And you know how you keep saying you don’t know what I’m talking about?”

“Yes.”

“That right there was a good example.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’re just a nerd; you can’t help it. So what were you saying?”

“Does family end with blood?”

“Um. I guess so. I mean, if you’re not related by blood people don’t think of you as family, right?”

“What about bonds through marriage?”

“What, y’mean like my mom and your uncle? Yeah, I guess those count too. Why—what do you look so happy about? What’d I say?”

“One more question. Do you think it’s possible for someone to occupy a certain familial space without actually being—that is-”

“Small words, ‘tachi. You’re the genius, not me.”

“You’re very smart, Shisui-nii.”

“Thanks, kiddo. But that’s not what we were talking about. Think you can dumb it down a little?”

“I…do you think people can be…siblings, maybe, in everything but blood?”

“Most people wouldn’t think so.”

“Then what about us?”

“…huh?”

“We’re brothers, aren’t we? And we’re not even really related. Or—maybe I’m wrong-”

“Nah, Itachi. You’re right. You’re totally right. I got it wrong.”

“You did?”

“I did.”

“Oh. Good. Because I like having a big brother.”

“…”

“Shisui-nii? Are you-”

“Allergies, brat.”

“Okay.”

“And for what it’s worth…you know I’m always gonna think of you as my pain-in-the-ass little brother.”

“Okay.”

“And stop smiling. You look doofy.”

“Looks like we’re in agreement, then.”

**End**


End file.
